Wednesday, October 27, 2010


The last two mornings during my quiet time has been focused on God being our father. I am going through a Beth Moore study. This week's lesson focuses on God's love. This morning was about God's love for Israel. He stooped down and took Ephraim by the arms to walk (Hos 11:3). I love that God cares about us so much He stoops down and guides us.

This verse has always comforted me whenever I feel alone.
But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me."
"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me. study and this week is focused on Love. Is 49:14-16

I learned that the definition for the word engraved means "hacked." It seems much more harsh than engraved, I guess that was the point, after all His son was broken for us.

I get all this in my head, I just pray it will make it's way into my heart. As a parent I understand the love a parent has for their child. If my children were filled with the thoughts that I harbor towards myself, I would be sickened. I am so crazy in love with them. I think that God is just saying through these verses, "Open your eyes. You need to get this. How can you love others with my love if you are too busy thinking this garbage?"

This has been a verse I have been clinging to:

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. " Is 43:18-19

Oh God, let the truth make it's way to my heart. Change the way I think.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Letting Go

I have been struggling so much the last few weeks! I am prone to anxiety and depression. I was treating my anxiety with medication, but couldn't "feel"things anymore. I wanted to feel again. Boy, I am telling you when the pressure builds up I feel things. It is easy to hide behind my medication and use it as a crutch. I do know that some people need these types of medication, but I know I don't. All it does is help me to hide from issues.

I have made some bad decisions and am reaping the consequences. Oh, how I wish you could go back in time and do things differently! I am struggling with forgiving myself. It seems so much easier to forgive others. I constantly berate and belittle myself. This is the state I have been living in for a few weeks now.

I read this Psalm in one of the many blogs I follow yesterday.

Psalm 131

O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;my eyes are not raised too high;I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me.
O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore.

I want my soul to be calmed and quieted. Free of worry. I want to forgive myself.

I came across this great post by Travis Derochowski. It really got me thinking and after struggling so long with worrying the past few weeks, I needed a reality check! I know we all hear the "don't worry" sermon and probably give it to others, but maybe we just haven't applied it to our own lives.

I like to feel in control of situations, so I try to anticipate what could go wrong or how a situation could play out. Then I feel discouraged and hopeless because things don't go how I think they should. Travis said, "WORRY replaced by PRAYER equals TRUST." I feel like sometimes that my prayers are just worry in disguise. I know we are supposed to bring our worries to Him, but I have a hard time leaving them with God! This is the most absurd thought: I mess up more times than I can count but because I can't see God or feel that God is working on a situation I assume that the situation will crumble without my "help." I need to let go and let God handle it. And after I leave the situation with Him I need to resist the urge to run back because if feels like nothing is happening.

After all the struggle and stress from worrying, what do I have to show for it?? A whole lot of nothing, that's what! Travis also said that worry puts our focus in the wrong direction. I start seeing how big the problems are and they distract me from how strong and awesome God is. And God cares for us. I get so distracted telling myself that I am stupid for doing this or that and I forget that God loves and cares for me!

And to add more irony to the mess my verse from yesterday was Philippians 4:6-7 -Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Sheesh! Could I just get lesson needs to get through my thick head!!

I also keep asking myself, if these problems which are caused by my poor choices, why would God want to help me out of them? Here again lies the whole missing dad problem. I often only see God as a scolding and cold parent, not as a loving father. As I was laying in bed last night I asked God to help me to see Him as my Father. I was remembering something my mentor told me a few weeks ago. She said that if her girls every needed anything her husband would do whatever he could to help them out. I started thinking about God's love in this manner and was reminded of the prodigal son. I thought of God running to me and wrapping His arms around me. When I woke up last night worried I reminded myself that God is holding me.

I am going to spend the rest of this day leaning in His arms!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Life Chain 2010

Yesterday was my third time attending Life Chain. I can't believe the small turnout! I remember my first time the blocks were filled. There was a sea of signs.

Having faced an unplanned pregnancy, I understand the importance of getting the message out. I understand both sides of the argument. I understand that yes, it is inconvenient to have a child when you weren't planning on it, but that is the risk you take to live a "free" lifestyle. There are consequences to choices. Just because something is convenient doesn't make it right. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the women who get abortions, or the abortionists, I hate that the innocent suffer. I also hate that some women use abortions as birth control!!

I am so glad that I was raised in a pro-life home. I remember my mom had attended a pro-life event and got a few of those 12 week "feet" pins.

I was living with my dad when I got pregnant and he was adamant that I get an abortion. I am so glad I didn't let him bully me into getting one! I remember all the thoughts that floated through my mind. My mom took me to the Pregnancy Care Centre and we discussed all the options available to me. I decided to raise my son. My boyfriend and I later married and it's been nearly 10 years. Things have not been easy, but we are glad we made the tough choices we made.

I came across this lovely blog today. Abby Johnson was a director at Planned Parenthood and has become a pro-life activist. I listened to her story through a Focus on the Family broadcast. As I was checking out her website I was pleased to see she has a tab for current Planned Parenthood workers. She lovingly reaches out to them and offers the hope she has found.

I also stumbled across this blog through Abby's website. Claire Culwell's mother was pregnant at 13 and her mother dragged her down to an abortion clinic and she had an abortion and found out later that she was still pregnant, she had been carrying twins. Claire survived. Her story is touching and encouraging.

Abortion is not just a women's issue. We can't just keep turning our backs on the issue and hoping it will go away. We have to educate ourselves about what is happening so we don't sound like brainwashed religious fanatics. I am committed to investigating both sides of the argument. You have to know what you are fighting against. On the CCBR's website (* Please note that this site has graphic images of aborted fetuses) they have this quote: "If we can’t face [abortion], we can’t fight it."- Gregg Cunningham. They have a great "Pro-Life Classroom Tab" to help you to give a reasonable explanation for why abortion is wrong.

Well, regardless of how many people attend next year, I know I will be at Life Chain. I am going to stand up for what is right!