Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Letting Go

I have been struggling so much the last few weeks! I am prone to anxiety and depression. I was treating my anxiety with medication, but couldn't "feel"things anymore. I wanted to feel again. Boy, I am telling you when the pressure builds up I feel things. It is easy to hide behind my medication and use it as a crutch. I do know that some people need these types of medication, but I know I don't. All it does is help me to hide from issues.



I have made some bad decisions and am reaping the consequences. Oh, how I wish you could go back in time and do things differently! I am struggling with forgiving myself. It seems so much easier to forgive others. I constantly berate and belittle myself. This is the state I have been living in for a few weeks now.



I read this Psalm in one of the many blogs I follow yesterday.




Psalm 131


O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;my eyes are not raised too high;I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me.
O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore.




I want my soul to be calmed and quieted. Free of worry. I want to forgive myself.

I came across this great post by Travis Derochowski. It really got me thinking and after struggling so long with worrying the past few weeks, I needed a reality check! I know we all hear the "don't worry" sermon and probably give it to others, but maybe we just haven't applied it to our own lives.


I like to feel in control of situations, so I try to anticipate what could go wrong or how a situation could play out. Then I feel discouraged and hopeless because things don't go how I think they should. Travis said, "WORRY replaced by PRAYER equals TRUST." I feel like sometimes that my prayers are just worry in disguise. I know we are supposed to bring our worries to Him, but I have a hard time leaving them with God! This is the most absurd thought: I mess up more times than I can count but because I can't see God or feel that God is working on a situation I assume that the situation will crumble without my "help." I need to let go and let God handle it. And after I leave the situation with Him I need to resist the urge to run back because if feels like nothing is happening.

After all the struggle and stress from worrying, what do I have to show for it?? A whole lot of nothing, that's what! Travis also said that worry puts our focus in the wrong direction. I start seeing how big the problems are and they distract me from how strong and awesome God is. And God cares for us. I get so distracted telling myself that I am stupid for doing this or that and I forget that God loves and cares for me!


And to add more irony to the mess my verse from yesterday was Philippians 4:6-7 -Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Sheesh! Could I just get lesson needs to get through my thick head!!


I also keep asking myself, if these problems which are caused by my poor choices, why would God want to help me out of them? Here again lies the whole missing dad problem. I often only see God as a scolding and cold parent, not as a loving father. As I was laying in bed last night I asked God to help me to see Him as my Father. I was remembering something my mentor told me a few weeks ago. She said that if her girls every needed anything her husband would do whatever he could to help them out. I started thinking about God's love in this manner and was reminded of the prodigal son. I thought of God running to me and wrapping His arms around me. When I woke up last night worried I reminded myself that God is holding me.


I am going to spend the rest of this day leaning in His arms!

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