Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Run Down

I have been running on low for a while. I haven't been taking care of myself properly lately. Late nights, nasty cold, life stuff..... This morning I was so bagged that I stayed in bed for an extra hour and didn't have my quiet time. I really don't like starting my day off without some time spend in the Word.

This morning, on my drive to work, I had a chance to spend some time just singing my heart out to God. I love these car worship sessions. Time sure flies.

I just came across a new book I am dying to read. Check this out. Her new book looks like a great read. I admire her courage so tackle something so important and the transparency required!

I am also looking forward to Life Chain this weekend. I put together a presentation for my church this last Sunday. This is the second time our church has officially attended Life Chain. I have to admit I am a little disappointed with the lack of interest for something so life saving! Maybe, much to my surprise, the turnout will be better than I think it's going to be. Anyway, I am excited!

Thursday, September 23, 2010


They will come with weeping; they will pray as I bring them back. I will lead them beside streams of water on a level path where they will not stumble, because I am Israel's father, and Ephraim is my firstborn son. Jeremiah 31:9

I love this verse. I have been struggling so much with being fatherless. What seems to hurt the most is that I have a father figure in my life, I am just not his child and that changes the nature of the relationship we are able to have. What I love so much about this verse is the gentleness God displays toward Israel. I love that He brings them back and then guides them. He takes them on a level path so they do not stumble.

I know that God is my father and He wants the best for me. It is quite a journey- embracing my REAL Dad! Part of this journey entails seeing God as my Father and not some distant, hard to please, ever judging father- the kind I have always known a father to be. To throw off the yoke of earning my worth and put on His yoke that is easy and the burden is light.

During my quiet time this morning the lesson was on finding joy in our circumstances. The lesson includes readings in 1 Kings. I love stories about Elijah. I always shake my head- God will speak to him, allow the most incredible miracles to happen and Elijah gets scared and runs away. He audibly hears God's voice, yet experiences doubt and depression; talk about being human! I still love the tenderness that God shows Elijah when Elijah is hungry and exhausted (1 Kings 19). An angel prepares a meal for Elijah.

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. - Ephesians 3:16-19

I just pray that God would continue to help see Him as my Father. That I will be rooted and established in his love. I want to know how wide, and long and high and deep His love is. I want to run to Him with my hopes, joys, dreams, failures, disappointments. I want to experience His healing and restoration, to continue building a relationship that will endure for all time.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Identity Crisis

Security- why does it always seem to come back to this?? Security has always been an issue for me. I have grown up surrounded by critical spirits. I remember one person especially in my life who was notorious for saying, "Don't do _____. What will people think of you? Don't you want them to think you are a good girl?" Those words and others like it haunted me throughout my life. I could never measure up and I felt like I was continuously being judged by my family and certain individuals at school. I never felt good enough.

I self-destructed in my teen years which really is no surprise given my rocky childhood. This is not a pity party. I have been struggling for so long to see myself as a person with worth and value. I tried so long and worked so hard to be someone I could respect. The problem, of course, was that I was the one trying, me on my own. What I created was one disaster after another. When things wouldn't pan out the way I thought they should I would become more and more depressed.

I finally feel like the smoke is clearing for the first time in a long time. I am seeing things as they really are. I am worth something to God. This seems almost absurd to me because for so long I have acted as if the opposite were true. I have often asked God why He wasted his time on me. I am appalled to even write it. Who am I to question God? Yet, I still think that it is an honest question.... What is God that he is mindful of us?? Anyway, I digress... God has specifically been speaking to me about this matter.

Revelation 17:8 (New International Version)
8The beast, which you saw, once was, now is not, and will come up out of the Abyss and go to his destruction. The inhabitants of the earth whose names have not been written in the book of life from the creation of the world will be astonished when they see the beast, because he once was, now is not, and yet will come.

God has thought of me since before the creation of the world. My identity comes from Him. Not from my weaknesses, strengths, gifts, appearance, etc.

I have been listening to this encouraging and eye opening series. I just listened to the second one today. I knew that I struggled with a success based identity, I just had no idea that it was as bad as it is! I guess the last time I truly felt successful and confident was when I still had my business- that is when the market was good. I felt like I was truly someone- MISTAKE #1!! I found my value and worth in my success. I no longer felt the need to hang my head in shame when someone asked me what I did for a living. This also led to me thinking I didn't need God because things were going so well- MISTAKE #2. I cannot survive without God- success or no success. I need Him desperately.

I hate that I compare myself and my lack of success to those who are successful, who have worked hard and have been faithful to God. I shouldn't feel hard done by when God blessed faithful followers.

I know this will be a long and challenging battle. I want my security to come from Christ and Christ alone. I pray that He will continue to help see myself through His eyes. He chose us even though we are weak! But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 2 Corinthians 4:7

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Loving Well

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 13:4-8a,13

Sometimes these verses can seem so mundane. This passage was used in a study I am working through and also in my evening reading. Okay, so God is getting my attention. Am I loving well? There are definitely certain people that make it more of a challenge to love them. Am I patient and kind to them? Mother Teresa said, "Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier." Could this apply to those I encounter each and everyday?

I want to be filled with the Spirit. I want to be loving and kind. I want to be filled with genuine love, not to plaster on a fake smile. Afterall, I have been given so much love and grace why do I have such a hard time giving some to others?

I came up with a few ways to practice loving well:

1)Memorize the above scriptures and also meditate on them.
2) Pray for more of Him and less of me!
3) Pray that God would show me the areas that need improving.
4) Pray for opportunities to love well.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


I came across this article a few days ago. It really got me thinking. I have been challenged lately in the way I think about money, possessions, and so-called security. We can be "prepared" for every imaginable scenario (life/auto/home insurance, RRSPs, sound investments, healthy diet and exercise) and still be caught off guard. This power struggle lures us into trusting ourselves and not God. We do everything in our power to make sure nothing bad happens.

It is so easy to live for today, to focus on my seemingly important problems when in reality they are so minute. I started to wonder how many missionaries have retirement savings plans?

Oh, please God, don't let me fall asleep and get side tracked with things that will not matter in the end. Please let me to think of others more than myself. May I honor you with my thoughts and actions.

Monday, September 13, 2010


Yesterday I caught myself feeling a little sorry for myself. I have always had a hard time fitting into a group at church. Due to my age I don't fit in with the adults whose kids are the same age as mine and those who are my age either are single or are married without children. So we don't have a lot in common. I don't hold this against them, I just feel lonely sometimes.

I felt God speak to me telling me that if I did fit in I would probably feel comfortable and be distracted . I feel God is leading me to a certain ministry. I don't know all the details, I do know that He has been leading me this way for a while now. I am excited to see where He leads me.

I have also been thinking about the fact that half of the world's population lives on less than two dollars per day. We take so much for granted. I have caught myself looking down on the sandwich I brought to work so that I could go out for lunch. I have also been guilty of tossing out perfectly good food. Where have we gone so wrong in our thinking?It seems as though we go through life wearing blindfolds. I don't want to live this way, distracted from reality and truth.
Philippians 2:4
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

I pray that God will open my eyes to what's really going on in the world.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Getting Real- Day 1

Sometimes I feel like a magpie-distracted by the shininess of the world. It is ironic that the world distracts us into thinking that we must work diligently to become an individual, to find our true self, all the while it tells us we should be thinner, dress better, acquire whatever we can get our hands on. "Be 'yourself' while being what I tell you to be. You will be happy!"

I have taken the bait one too many times. Tried to be smarter, prettier, thinner, whatever it would take to be happy and stop the nagging voice inside that told me I am not good enough and never will be.

I have struggled with significance for so long. I have always wanted to gain the acceptance of a certain person in my life and tried so hard to make them love me. Enough. Here is day one of accepting me and refusing to continue living life and seeing through these rose coloured glasses. There is more to life than me and my problems!