Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Identity Crisis

Security- why does it always seem to come back to this?? Security has always been an issue for me. I have grown up surrounded by critical spirits. I remember one person especially in my life who was notorious for saying, "Don't do _____. What will people think of you? Don't you want them to think you are a good girl?" Those words and others like it haunted me throughout my life. I could never measure up and I felt like I was continuously being judged by my family and certain individuals at school. I never felt good enough.

I self-destructed in my teen years which really is no surprise given my rocky childhood. This is not a pity party. I have been struggling for so long to see myself as a person with worth and value. I tried so long and worked so hard to be someone I could respect. The problem, of course, was that I was the one trying, me on my own. What I created was one disaster after another. When things wouldn't pan out the way I thought they should I would become more and more depressed.

I finally feel like the smoke is clearing for the first time in a long time. I am seeing things as they really are. I am worth something to God. This seems almost absurd to me because for so long I have acted as if the opposite were true. I have often asked God why He wasted his time on me. I am appalled to even write it. Who am I to question God? Yet, I still think that it is an honest question.... What is God that he is mindful of us?? Anyway, I digress... God has specifically been speaking to me about this matter.

Revelation 17:8 (New International Version)
8The beast, which you saw, once was, now is not, and will come up out of the Abyss and go to his destruction. The inhabitants of the earth whose names have not been written in the book of life from the creation of the world will be astonished when they see the beast, because he once was, now is not, and yet will come.

God has thought of me since before the creation of the world. My identity comes from Him. Not from my weaknesses, strengths, gifts, appearance, etc.

I have been listening to this encouraging and eye opening series. I just listened to the second one today. I knew that I struggled with a success based identity, I just had no idea that it was as bad as it is! I guess the last time I truly felt successful and confident was when I still had my business- that is when the market was good. I felt like I was truly someone- MISTAKE #1!! I found my value and worth in my success. I no longer felt the need to hang my head in shame when someone asked me what I did for a living. This also led to me thinking I didn't need God because things were going so well- MISTAKE #2. I cannot survive without God- success or no success. I need Him desperately.

I hate that I compare myself and my lack of success to those who are successful, who have worked hard and have been faithful to God. I shouldn't feel hard done by when God blessed faithful followers.

I know this will be a long and challenging battle. I want my security to come from Christ and Christ alone. I pray that He will continue to help see myself through His eyes. He chose us even though we are weak! But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 2 Corinthians 4:7

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